So I decided to go for a midnight jog in the woods. Why? 'cause I can! And there's no one else jogging at midnight to get in my way or criticize my pathetic jogging... because it's not really jogging after five seconds; I end up walking. Power walking? No, that's justifying it. It's straight up lazy, out of breath, walking.
It started to rain, and I'm like, "crap!" and decide to head home. Unfortunately my navigation isn't very good at night and I went off the path a little. Er... a lot. I didn't get lost! I swear! I only wandered around in the mud for a few minutes...
Then I tripped over something squishy and fell flat on my face in a puddle. NOT HAPPY. It was muddy, cold, wet and probably full of mosquito larva and E.coli! I got pissed and started kicking what-the-freak-ever it was that I tripped over. It cried and groaned and curled up in a tight ball and begged me to stop. That's when I realized I was kicking Bella Swan.
I stopped, raised an eyebrow, asked her, "what the hell are you doing out here crying?" and she said, "My boyfriend left me, I'm so sad..." Talk about pathetic.
So I kicked her a few more times for good measure, told her, "Ya know since he's dead, if you kill yourself you can see him again." and went on my merry way.
A few hours later I heard on the news they found her body in the woods. She took my advice and guess what? Her boyfriend didn't come to her suicidal-self's rescue.
And that's how I rescued today's female youth from turning into love-struck-sappy-pathetic-noob-noodles that think it's OK to mope and be depressed over a boy.
AND.... how I saved the world from the terror that is the movie/book/bullshit - Twilight.You can thank me later.
Actually, thank my Not-Jogging.
Yeah....
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