Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Attention College Goers
Here is a list of things you DO NOT do in the middle of a quiet study atrium (room)::
Thanks.
- Eat really smelly foods
- Fall asleep and Snore
- Wear Elf ears
- Sing (poorly) to Skillet songs
- Take off your shirt
- Fart - loudly
- Carry on a cell phone conversation (btw, dude she's just not into you. Take the hint.)
- Change a screaming babies diaper
- Have a massage orgy (who let you people out of high school?)
- Fight about a game of 'Magic: the gathering'
- Feed a screaming baby (put your boob away and go home)
- Have a date
- Carry on a conversation so everyone can hear about how 'awesome' you are (your annoying, SHUT UP)
- Make fun of the guy with headphones, he can still hear you.
- Belch loudly
- Make a drug deal
- Laugh at your own comments/jokes
- Think at all (or so it seems)
- Apparently not your homework, 'cause no one around you has common decency.
Thanks.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Dawn of the Bieber
It was an unusual stormy October day; A Friday afternoon.
I was at the mall - Something out of my norm.
The mall was packed with human bodies, as it usually is on a weekend. People streamed in and out of shops.
Nothing seemed out of the ordinary at first...
Then I reached the food court.
The air seemed to grow thick.
The crowd, even thicker. People schooled like guppies through the tables.
I noticed something.... Everyone was beginning to look the same.
There was a scream in the distance. Then a man ran past me saying, "Turn back before its too late!" Very cliche'. Then I saw why.
Biebers.
EVERYWHERE.
Every tween, adolecent, pre-pubescent, and poser in the entire mall was sporting that hideous mop of untamed-bowl cut hair!
I backed up and started to run in the opposite direction. Several other people were doing the same thing. A man to my left tripped and fell, calling for help but it was too late, the Biebers were upon him, styling his hair and stripping him of his dignity.
I looked away in horror and continued to run with the last few survivers.
As we reached the fountain in the middle of the mall a woman around my age threw me a battery operated razor saying, "Shave their heads, its the only way to stop them." Its as if she's seen this epidemic before...
I clutched the razor tightly, turned it on and shaved every bieber that came my way...
After what felt like hours of shaving and losing half of our team to the virus, we had won.
I dusted hair that was not my own off my jacket and went out to the empty parking lot.. extra batteries in hand I drove off into thenight to find more survivors and shave away the rest of this nightmare...
I was at the mall - Something out of my norm.
The mall was packed with human bodies, as it usually is on a weekend. People streamed in and out of shops.
Nothing seemed out of the ordinary at first...
Then I reached the food court.
The air seemed to grow thick.
The crowd, even thicker. People schooled like guppies through the tables.
I noticed something.... Everyone was beginning to look the same.
There was a scream in the distance. Then a man ran past me saying, "Turn back before its too late!" Very cliche'. Then I saw why.
Biebers.
EVERYWHERE.
Every tween, adolecent, pre-pubescent, and poser in the entire mall was sporting that hideous mop of untamed-bowl cut hair!
I backed up and started to run in the opposite direction. Several other people were doing the same thing. A man to my left tripped and fell, calling for help but it was too late, the Biebers were upon him, styling his hair and stripping him of his dignity.
I looked away in horror and continued to run with the last few survivers.
As we reached the fountain in the middle of the mall a woman around my age threw me a battery operated razor saying, "Shave their heads, its the only way to stop them." Its as if she's seen this epidemic before...
I clutched the razor tightly, turned it on and shaved every bieber that came my way...
After what felt like hours of shaving and losing half of our team to the virus, we had won.
I dusted hair that was not my own off my jacket and went out to the empty parking lot.. extra batteries in hand I drove off into thenight to find more survivors and shave away the rest of this nightmare...
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Check yo' dollar bills! They be dirty!
Ya know those one dollar bills you keep handy? The ones for college vending machines and quick little snacks or gum or wtfever you spend dollars on?
They are filthy!
Most of those "ones" you keep handy have been in a strippers g-string.
Just saying...
So yeah, go wash your hands.
Yay hand sanitizer!
They are filthy!
Most of those "ones" you keep handy have been in a strippers g-string.
Just saying...
So yeah, go wash your hands.
Yay hand sanitizer!
Friday, October 14, 2011
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Edward Cullen Has Salami Nipples! EWWWW!!
I was minding my own business, chilling at my computer and not doing my homework when I noticed a dark shadow form in my window. I looked up only to see Edward Cullen glaring at me. Or is it glaring? I think that's just how he always looks. Its supposed to be a brooding look? Its just not. He looks constipated.
Mind you, it was in the middle of the day, it was raining though so I guess that's why he came out? Freak..
I opened my window and said, "It's rude to stare." and he just glared at me some more. That's when I noticed he wasn't wearing a shirt and its, what, 50 degrees outside? I about vomited. There is nothing attractive about a super pasty-white guy, shirtless, with huge salami nipples, painted on abs and braid-able armpit hair.
I stepped away and dry heaved.
And the douche let himself in without being invited. Super Rude!
"You killed my Bella," He roared? It's not really a roar if it's coming out of a 12 year old girl, right? I stifled a laugh, "Ya knew she was Emo and stupid since the day you picked her up off the side of the road."
He didn't like that.
So he bit my hand jumped out my window where the sun was coming out. He glittered more than a drag queen on opening night. It blinded an oncoming trucker as the fake-vamp crossed into the road and he was pummeled. The truck exploded because apparently whatever makes a Cullen vampire sparkle is highly flammable and explosive. Needless to say we won't be hearing from that Revenge-bent vamp again. Thank God.
A midst the humor, my hand began to burn like hell. Alas, I had to rush myself to the E.R. It didn't burn because I was becoming a sparkly-vampire-thing, rather it burned because of a combination of hepatitis A,B,C,D and Rabies was festering in one concentrated area on my hand.
After a series of painful injections at the E.R., a round of pain killers, dialasys, and therapy, I was able to come home and type of this endeavor, with my hand still attached to my arm and my skin not sparkly.
There's a lesson here, kids.
If a "vampire" bites you, go to the E.R. immediately! You aren't going to become a vampire, you're going to be infected with Hepatitis and Rabies. And there is nothing sexy about that!
Tell your friends.
Mind you, it was in the middle of the day, it was raining though so I guess that's why he came out? Freak..
I opened my window and said, "It's rude to stare." and he just glared at me some more. That's when I noticed he wasn't wearing a shirt and its, what, 50 degrees outside? I about vomited. There is nothing attractive about a super pasty-white guy, shirtless, with huge salami nipples, painted on abs and braid-able armpit hair.
I stepped away and dry heaved.
And the douche let himself in without being invited. Super Rude!
"You killed my Bella," He roared? It's not really a roar if it's coming out of a 12 year old girl, right? I stifled a laugh, "Ya knew she was Emo and stupid since the day you picked her up off the side of the road."
He didn't like that.
So he bit my hand jumped out my window where the sun was coming out. He glittered more than a drag queen on opening night. It blinded an oncoming trucker as the fake-vamp crossed into the road and he was pummeled. The truck exploded because apparently whatever makes a Cullen vampire sparkle is highly flammable and explosive. Needless to say we won't be hearing from that Revenge-bent vamp again. Thank God.
A midst the humor, my hand began to burn like hell. Alas, I had to rush myself to the E.R. It didn't burn because I was becoming a sparkly-vampire-thing, rather it burned because of a combination of hepatitis A,B,C,D and Rabies was festering in one concentrated area on my hand.
After a series of painful injections at the E.R., a round of pain killers, dialasys, and therapy, I was able to come home and type of this endeavor, with my hand still attached to my arm and my skin not sparkly.
There's a lesson here, kids.
If a "vampire" bites you, go to the E.R. immediately! You aren't going to become a vampire, you're going to be infected with Hepatitis and Rabies. And there is nothing sexy about that!
Tell your friends.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Oops....I Indirectly Killed Bella Swan. Oh well.
So I decided to go for a midnight jog in the woods. Why? 'cause I can! And there's no one else jogging at midnight to get in my way or criticize my pathetic jogging... because it's not really jogging after five seconds; I end up walking. Power walking? No, that's justifying it. It's straight up lazy, out of breath, walking.
It started to rain, and I'm like, "crap!" and decide to head home. Unfortunately my navigation isn't very good at night and I went off the path a little. Er... a lot. I didn't get lost! I swear! I only wandered around in the mud for a few minutes...
Then I tripped over something squishy and fell flat on my face in a puddle. NOT HAPPY. It was muddy, cold, wet and probably full of mosquito larva and E.coli! I got pissed and started kicking what-the-freak-ever it was that I tripped over. It cried and groaned and curled up in a tight ball and begged me to stop. That's when I realized I was kicking Bella Swan.
I stopped, raised an eyebrow, asked her, "what the hell are you doing out here crying?" and she said, "My boyfriend left me, I'm so sad..." Talk about pathetic.
So I kicked her a few more times for good measure, told her, "Ya know since he's dead, if you kill yourself you can see him again." and went on my merry way.
A few hours later I heard on the news they found her body in the woods. She took my advice and guess what? Her boyfriend didn't come to her suicidal-self's rescue.
And that's how I rescued today's female youth from turning into love-struck-sappy-pathetic-noob-noodles that think it's OK to mope and be depressed over a boy.
AND.... how I saved the world from the terror that is the movie/book/bullshit - Twilight.You can thank me later.
Actually, thank my Not-Jogging.
Yeah....
It started to rain, and I'm like, "crap!" and decide to head home. Unfortunately my navigation isn't very good at night and I went off the path a little. Er... a lot. I didn't get lost! I swear! I only wandered around in the mud for a few minutes...
Then I tripped over something squishy and fell flat on my face in a puddle. NOT HAPPY. It was muddy, cold, wet and probably full of mosquito larva and E.coli! I got pissed and started kicking what-the-freak-ever it was that I tripped over. It cried and groaned and curled up in a tight ball and begged me to stop. That's when I realized I was kicking Bella Swan.
I stopped, raised an eyebrow, asked her, "what the hell are you doing out here crying?" and she said, "My boyfriend left me, I'm so sad..." Talk about pathetic.
So I kicked her a few more times for good measure, told her, "Ya know since he's dead, if you kill yourself you can see him again." and went on my merry way.
A few hours later I heard on the news they found her body in the woods. She took my advice and guess what? Her boyfriend didn't come to her suicidal-self's rescue.
And that's how I rescued today's female youth from turning into love-struck-sappy-pathetic-noob-noodles that think it's OK to mope and be depressed over a boy.
AND.... how I saved the world from the terror that is the movie/book/bullshit - Twilight.You can thank me later.
Actually, thank my Not-Jogging.
Yeah....
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
First Entry: YAY!
Today I decided to begin a journal.
And here it is, Bikku's Adventures.
As if the title couldn't explain the contents any better?
I am pleased.
And here it is, Bikku's Adventures.
As if the title couldn't explain the contents any better?
I am pleased.
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