Edward Cullen Has Salami Nipples! EWWWW!!

I was minding my own business, chilling at my computer and not doing my homework when I noticed a dark shadow form in my window. I looked up only to see Edward Cullen glaring at me. Or is it glaring? I think that's just how he always looks. Its supposed to be a brooding look? Its just not. He looks constipated.

Mind you, it was in the middle of the day, it was raining though so I guess that's why he came out? Freak..
I opened my window and said, "It's rude to stare." and he just glared at me some more. That's when I noticed he wasn't wearing a shirt and its, what, 50 degrees outside? I about vomited. There is nothing attractive about a super pasty-white guy, shirtless, with huge salami nipples, painted on abs and braid-able armpit hair.

I stepped away and dry heaved.
And the douche let himself in without being invited. Super Rude!

"You killed my Bella," He roared? It's not really a roar if it's coming out of a 12 year old girl, right? I stifled a laugh, "Ya knew she was Emo and stupid since the day you picked her up off the side of the road."
He didn't like that.

So he bit my hand jumped out my window where the sun was coming out. He glittered more than a drag queen on opening night. It blinded an oncoming trucker as the fake-vamp crossed into the road and he was pummeled. The truck exploded because apparently whatever makes a Cullen vampire sparkle is highly flammable and explosive. Needless to say we won't be hearing from that Revenge-bent vamp again. Thank God.

A midst the humor, my hand began to burn like hell. Alas, I had to rush myself to the E.R. It didn't burn because I was becoming a sparkly-vampire-thing, rather it burned because of a combination of hepatitis A,B,C,D and Rabies was festering in one concentrated area on my hand.

After a series of painful injections at the E.R., a round of pain killers, dialasys, and therapy, I was able to come home and type of this endeavor, with my hand still attached to my arm and my skin not sparkly.

There's a lesson here, kids.
If a "vampire" bites you, go to the E.R. immediately! You aren't going to become a vampire, you're going to be infected with Hepatitis and Rabies. And there is nothing sexy about that!
Tell your friends.